apparently true...i wish it to be true....if you find it on snoop - you get a
and a raspberry....very funny read aimed just in the right place!!
>Police Complaint
> to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
> angry member of the public
> email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
>
> ------------ --
> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
> idea and try e-mailing you instead.
>
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
> colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
> Ouija board.
>
> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just
> off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>
> Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
> football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
> causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire
> building.
> This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
>
> The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
> saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy
> pills.
>
> I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
> the two bins.
> If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off
> then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to
> lend them the matches.
>
> Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
> with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
> night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
> Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
> will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
> actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
> head start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain your obedient servant
> ???????
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
> problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you
> have encountered in trying to contact the police.
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
> an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
> PC ???????
> Community Beat Officer
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
>
> Dear PC ???????
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original e-mail.
>
> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
> McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
>
> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community
> Beat Officer.
>
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never
> seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
> infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
> moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
> basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hu nted
> by MI5 to look for Osama.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
> place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian
> without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
> to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
> these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game
> elsewhere.
>
> The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within
> spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being
> the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
> to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
>
> Regards
> ?????????
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact
> !!!
> .
>
>
>
>
> Police Complaint
[resigned from the Water Heater Club and joined the BBB's] - Schwarzwald Starbiker
An Old Hot Rod - loud, primered, and bothers citizens...that's me!